Fate Wasn't Paying Attention

I can't take credit for this one but it sums up the one that changed me. It wasn't supposed to happen, that's not the way it should be... but here we are with a broken brain and a dark soul and it might be all that I will ever be.

I wish I never met you

I don't think there was a good reason behind it

And I think it was an accident,

Like fate got distracted by looking at its phone.

And when it looked back up

We crashed into each other and it was too late.

The damage was done and we had met.

I don't think it was a good lesson

Or that it made me tougher or a better person

I think it just became part of the reason I'm not the same anymore

And the reason I'm so closed off,

The reason I don't trust people the way I used to.

I don't think we were supposed to meet

I think it was a complete misfortune

And sometimes I think about the day it happened

And how that one minor decision could have stopped the whole thing.

One moment could have saved me years

Because if we had never met

I would still be all the good parts of me

And there would be a few less parts that need to be fixed

I would still go for drives

But you wouldn't enter my thoughts like you were robbing a bank

I would still have these friends

But we would not reflect on how warped I was during the years.

You were a part of my life.

And I would have still fallen in love again

And it would've have taken a lot less reassurance

I wouldn't have been shocked that love is so different

Than I had originally thought.

What doesn't make you stronger

Sure but I'd be stronger anyway

and the time I spent around you is to me wasted time.

I wish I never met you.

I wish fate had been paying attention.

It wasn't an accident that was waiting to happen

A calamity, a catastrophe, a mistake.

I Definitely Don't Have 24 Lessons for 2024...

I have 10... does that work?

Every year around this time, I generally will re-create my goals for the following year and usually in the form of "24 goals for 2024" as cheesy as that is. I know I can't help it. And now that I have this beautiful, aka unfiltered and thereby anonymous platform, I'm going to give you some shit in the form of lessons that got me through not only the last year but really, the last 5 years.

A little break down of the last 5 years; the good, the bad and the ugly:

1. Started out 2019 already wearing a knee brace. I was applying for emergency services and during the physical requirement testing, I blew my knee in a million different places. My orthopedic surgeon said, "try to rehab and you will be ok!"

Narrator: she in fact was not ok...

2. Developed an extremely rare eye disease that was a unique case apparently. Nothing is worth doing if its not done right. This earned me bi-weekly trips to the hospital to see the eye specialist. With these endeavors, I subsequently was hospitalized for a full day waiting for the slew of neurologists to poke me in the back a few times before actually getting it right. Healed eventually but still have remnants of it in my cute little eyeballs.

3. Got my boobs done... YAY! And let me tell you those babies are fun.

4. Finally got surgery on my knee a mere 3 weeks after my boobs... that rehab was NOT as fun.

5. I quit a job that was my literal life for over a decade. I tried so hard to be what I felt they needed me to be and it wasn't even close to the authentic self that I truly was, so I left. Pretty convinced they didn't like me and really, by the end, I hated them and that is a strong word to use. Realistically, it's culty as fuck and most would know what I'm talking about just by that term alone. In other words, easiest choice of my life.

5. I spent Christmas with a side of the family that I hadn't in about 20 years, with the elephant in the room and all. While the reunion was beautiful in some ways, within the last 5 years I learned that an attempt to reconnect was not worth it. I learned that with them, nothing changed and energy wasted was precious in comparison to how they made me feel. I have always been the black sheep of that family as I have never followed into the typical prairie, white picket fence fashion like everyone else.

6. I had miscarriage. And this was a hard lesson. This truly showed me how low I felt of myself and willingly how much of myself I can give and I suffered those consequences alone. I also learned how society, specifically men are void of commitment, support and have selfish tendencies. I hadn't learned yet what the word "selfish" actually meant.

7. I got my dream job with more to come but it surely didn't come easy. This job has also allowed my trucker like speech (in which I should probably go to speech therapy for) to be accepted along with my weird smiles, awkward conversation and my witching hour online shopping, in which everyone has now joined along.

8. I went on two life changing, monumental trips. One that was one of the most important ones in the world but was distracted by a very unworthy human being. And the second, from just this year on a 19 day, 11 city and 5 country trip that was all mine. I felt free.

9. I was diagnosed with epilepsy and got my license taken away for 6 months. Freedom gone. Life long medication, activated. And I fought hard for that stability back.

10. And finally, I was connected to an extremely traumatic incident of domestic violence and learned that term as well as sexual assault with regards to MYSELF from experience and all from 1 insane human being. I fell in love with this person. Or I thought I did. And that love turned to fear which is now hate and has developed into disgust and loathe. I will never be able to look at men the same way again.

So with that very bleak break down of the last 5 years, here are the lessons.

10. Hard work will get you exactly what you want in life and that hard work will give you the life lessons to sustain it.

9. Kindness will never go out of style. As a matter of fact, being kind to others puts me in a better mood. Your bad day is no one's fault so be kind anyway. Here's something catchy: hate has the same amount of letters as love so choose love instead.

8. Judgement is dangerous and eventually can turn into a social weapon for someone else. Someone is always listening...

7. Your body tells you if things aren't right. My brain literally started telling me that I needed to disconnect from the life I was living. I was left with no other choice but to be disconnected from what I thought was what I was waiting for. I now realize it was an insidious disease-like wolf in sheep's clothing, that was slowly ate away at my sense of self. They set me free and now I am am grateful. Oddly enough, I have been seizure free for over a year and have been single for almost the same amount of time, coincidence?

6. Healing, whether body, mind, spirit or otherwise, is never a linear line upwards. Pain comes back, suffering is always dictated by you (feel it but don't sit there) and you creating your own happiness is what appears after everything else is peeled back.

5. Speaking of happiness: your happiness can not be dependent on someone else; your happiness does not exist in a superficial form; and as cliché as it is, you can't be happy with someone else unless you are happy on your own, and B. T. DUBS, that is also not code for "and then I'll meet the man of my dreams". Be the fucking man of your own dreams cause I can guarantee you that your dick is bigger than your pseudo husband you are waiting for. For me right now, I have big dick energy but am also at a point that I'm embracing my inner ogre under a bridge with a stick swatting away anything that makes me unhappy.

4. Speaking of stick swatting... let me introduce you to boundaries. I had not a clue how to set them or even what they were, but now? Listen carefully as I break it down: A) I will make time for things that I feel are important in my life; B) I have to be my first priority (and by the way, this shows up in a lot of ways) and C) If I can't be fully present for something I previously committed to, I have to be honest with myself and take the time to do what I need to do. And also, fuck dishes. They will be there tomorrow, I can guarantee it (exhibit A: the current state of my kitchen and I wish I cared).

3. Your reputation is your resume. Show up with consistency (or what is consistent for you) and that in itself is your resume. I am the same person to every single person in my life, professionally, personally, romantically (however, the ogre under the bridge is monitoring that closely so I don't do anything stupid) and most importantly, myself. I learned this year that the lack of consistency you show yourself is the biggest sacrifice you will ever make, especially when that inconsistency is because of an alternative variable, IE: insidious wolf in sheep's clothing called an ex-boyfriend turned devil incarnate.

2. Not only am I on uppers, downers, a brain Band-Aid and Polysporin for brain cells, but no matter how many times I google "nervous system regulation" I still have no fucking clue what it means. The only thing I have really learned is that crying is cool just like if you pee your pants (Billy Madison reference FYI). So if someone can explain this term further, I'm all ears.

1. And lastly, FIND YOUR FUCKING POKER FACE. There is no possibility that you will flip your lid, and if you're about to? Take a goddamn breath. There is no way for people to know what you are thinking. No one knows what you are working on in the background. And frankly, that same poker face will piss people off and they won't be able to explain why. Win and let other's be confused when you do. Lady Gaga wasn't wrong.

That's it for me... Yet another night shift and one in which I forgot another chick book to power through. This all may not make sense in the morning...

The 5 Year Revival

When I think of the last 5 years, like many, people started to believe they had 3 lifetimes before we are here today.  I would say about the same.

I'm reviving this blog as it was an important outlet for me before my world completely changed.  This blog took me from being a retired performer, not getting my dream job after injury that changed the game and a job that that I love in a world full of hate. And hilariously/depressingly enough, there were men along the way that managed to define me more.  

A little about the fact that I'm anonymous.  I cherish my privacy.  I love my alone time with my own thoughts and I also want people to imagine themselves in my shoes. I can tell you right now, there are so many people on this planet that experience much worse than me... I see this every single day.  I can tell you that I am sassy, somewhat witty and even more funny when I'm drunk.  I'm way too old to get black out drunk but let me tell you, I definitely still try.  I work all hours of the night and work out at ridiculous times in the morning alternatively.  I'm a mixed bag of consistency and understand that it makes no sense at all.  I work too hard but I travel and love to live life more.  I have a broken brain and a dark soul and the medication to prove it all.  I have some solid groups of friends, a ton of acquaintances and lets be honest, they will be the ones to read this epic web of art.  My mom will too and she will be too proud of it for what's about to unfold.  At least I know we are both a little twisted and equally funny. I finally realize where it comes from.   I used to be defined by what I do in my career and also by the love I was given by the male species on this planet that have come across my path. I define myself now with the life I have lived, hopefully use it as a lesson and not a crutch for self-pity... perhaps the reason for the revival of my life lessons on the interwebs.

Now much of these entries will be an absolute joke.  Some of them though will be sad, depressing and for me traumatic and triggering.  Some are vulgar and perhaps unnecessary but fucking hilarious. If you don't like a trucker like dialogue, this might also not be for you. But choose your own adventure really and frankly you may as well come along for the ride.  I didn't live almost 40 years on this earth and not have some lessons to come with it.  And lets be honest, there are WAY more to come.  

I'll be bringing back the classics but most of all, I will start about why this blog disappeared in the first place.  A place of shame, guilt, love, hate, sex, abuse, self worth and a broken heart.