The Lights Were Definitely Twinkling

I told myself this year that I would only drink once a week...

I also told myself I would be celibate...

Can confirm these goals are not going well.

In the last 5 years, in alignment with the time I haven't had my blog posted, I had been envisioning my perfect life. And my perfect life meant that I had all the things I wanted in life because they were right at my fingertips. Whistler and Tofino being the most prestigious of them all.

My trips to whistler started out to be a party and a lot of fun and over the years, it dwindled into a very anti-social experience and just a way to get fresh air, a good steak and to sleep.

Tofino had the opposite effect. I used Tofino to really see nature, get into the water and rest and this time around, it was NOTHING but...

This trip to Tofino was a pleasant surprise and the story of how I met Uncle Art.

My usual antics for Tofino all start out the same. I leave straight after work, sleep on the ferry, stop for groceries and a coffee before I keep going to the motherland. I arrived about 4pm, got some very important Tofino specialties and slept. I woke up the next morning, played in the water then went out for a burger. And in walks Uncle Art.

If I were to compare Uncle Art in reference to National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, it would be incorrect, however the lights were definitely twinkling. He's very much a granola, would likely wear his Birkenstock sandals through to the ground type guy, all of which is an instant turnoff for me. However, he didn't have dreadlocks and in fact was balding and smelled very good. So my turnoff to this? Perhaps a reflection of past decisions cause the second this guy started talking? I was instantly intrigued by the ease of this banter.

Conversation with Uncle Art was unbelievably easy. Comfortable. Like he was your goofy, intelligent best friend and could even challenge you a bit. I was ahead in beverages throughout the night and it was evident as the night went on.

After the bar banter, we left for him to show me around where he works. We attempted to play a game of pool, have a beer (in which I could hardly choke down) and... other things. He told me that he was going to be at the brewery at 5/6pm and to meet him there. I absolutely agreed in my drunken stupor.

I got back to my campsite and crashed in true, post-coitus fashion with my hand in a bag of mini eggs and an open bag of tortilla chips, solo. Waking up the next morning having much regret but even more intrigue about the night before. I did stay in bed for a good chunk of the day all for the fact that I was in fact either still drunk or having consistent "oh fuck me" moments while reliving the evening in my head. I read back on the text message he sent and I went back and forth on whether I would be making an appearance to the brewery or really, if I did, how fashionably late I was going to be. The only thing that continued to ring in my head, or rather in the depths of my broken soul, was that "I am a slut". It was a title I thought of myself for a long time, solidified by my "worm"y ex boyfriend who reminded me of this weekly in an abusive fashion. And in all this ruminating and stewing, I arrived at the brewery at 605pm on the dot.

Uncle Art saw me at the door and waved me in and I found myself a seat a few seats down the bar. He was chatting with his boss so I took my time, got a beverage or two and then made my way to him and his boss. His boss and I had a bit in common so we were able to chat some, while Uncle Art took care of things and met me at the end. I finally sat down next to him and the first thing to come out of his mouth, "I'm surprised you came." Me too bro, me too.

We ended up hanging out 2 of the 3 nights I was there. First night, definitely was way more spontaneous and unexpected, however, in amongst the real true talk of where we both were in our lives (from what I remember) I cried, laughed and never been kissed so passionately from someone I hardly knew. That first one literally shocked the shit out of me, I truly didn't think I could ever have my heart in both my vagina and my chest beat like that again. And this felt like it was the truth. With him, truth was all we spoke. There was absolutely no reason to speak any other way. We both had nothing to hide.

The second night felt even more raw. He had concerns that the small town rumours would start for the mere fact that I was this chick on vacation and here for a good time and not a long time, and he wasn't about to turn that down, per the noted reputation. As a matter of fact, he even told me that he was a bettin' man when he sat down next to me at the bar the first night. The night at his place was almost too comfortable. Taking advantage of different surfaces, in bed, out of bed, and walking around with not a single piece of fabric on our bodies. Finally landing on the couch where the comfort of just the unlimited amount of time we had made it simple. I literally sucked his dick on the couch for an hour and I enjoyed every single minute of it. It never once felt like a chore. I'm sure I told him about 10 times that I was worried I was going to break it and he reassured me every single time that his manhood was in fact strong and will not break. I also told him I was concerned cause he wasn't getting there and I felt like I was failing. He reminded me that it wasn't about him getting there, it was the fact that I enjoyed it that made it so good for him. He looked me in the eye after holding my neck and kissing in a way that the heart in every single corner of my womanhood beat and told me "you're beautiful". I pointed at his yellow submarine, knowing it had done some deep sea diving that evening and screamed, "IT MOVED!" I was not afraid to be myself and I can tell you I had never seen such a beautiful man in my life. When we got in bed, he gave me a fair warning. He was going to snore and he was going to grind his teeth. All of which happened almost instantly and didn't prevent me from going to sleep while snuggled right in the nook.

We have kept in touch very minimally, which being I have only been home a week? I think that's fair and I don't expect much otherwise. He said several times that the girls in town called him a slut and to be honest? A) they are girls not women and B) he's not Fabio but he has more personality and charm than any type of wormy man I have ever dated so I hope he rides that train longer until he finds what he's looking for. I have been overthinking a lot and semi-spiraling only for the fact that something like this I would have considered the old me and one that I was ashamed of and the one that my "worm"y ex boyfriend was also ashamed of. My people closest to me tell me that I am allowed to do anything I want and there shouldn't be any regret. And even though I am spiraling a little bit, I know there is a reason Uncle Art came into this very blurry picture of mine. And even reflecting back on such a fun time in Tofino, it was not only unexpected but also a fresh of breath air, a moment that I have learned from. I looked at many of the men in my life I have had relationships, even more so my most recent and very abusive relationship and its proof that looks mean absolutely nothing and that its personality that makes a person so beautiful that you can't take their eyes off them. I remember just laying in bed with Uncle Art and frankly, even though he was snoring and grinding his teeth, I don't think I had ever met such a decent, kind man in a long time, if ever. Its proof that taking the superficial way of dating doesn't compare to the authenticity of an in person, random meet and greet that makes the moments and stories fucking cool. And realistically, those moments are much of the reason why I have a blog in the first place.

Cheers to you Uncle Art. Thank you for showing me what true beauty in a man can look like but also the beauty of being completely, authentically myself. You picked off a scab and its not bleeding...

Fate Wasn't Paying Attention

I can't take credit for this one but it sums up the one that changed me. It wasn't supposed to happen, that's not the way it should be... but here we are with a broken brain and a dark soul and it might be all that I will ever be.

I wish I never met you

I don't think there was a good reason behind it

And I think it was an accident,

Like fate got distracted by looking at its phone.

And when it looked back up

We crashed into each other and it was too late.

The damage was done and we had met.

I don't think it was a good lesson

Or that it made me tougher or a better person

I think it just became part of the reason I'm not the same anymore

And the reason I'm so closed off,

The reason I don't trust people the way I used to.

I don't think we were supposed to meet

I think it was a complete misfortune

And sometimes I think about the day it happened

And how that one minor decision could have stopped the whole thing.

One moment could have saved me years

Because if we had never met

I would still be all the good parts of me

And there would be a few less parts that need to be fixed

I would still go for drives

But you wouldn't enter my thoughts like you were robbing a bank

I would still have these friends

But we would not reflect on how warped I was during the years.

You were a part of my life.

And I would have still fallen in love again

And it would've have taken a lot less reassurance

I wouldn't have been shocked that love is so different

Than I had originally thought.

What doesn't make you stronger

Sure but I'd be stronger anyway

and the time I spent around you is to me wasted time.

I wish I never met you.

I wish fate had been paying attention.

It wasn't an accident that was waiting to happen

A calamity, a catastrophe, a mistake.

I Definitely Don't Have 24 Lessons for 2024...

I have 10... does that work?

Every year around this time, I generally will re-create my goals for the following year and usually in the form of "24 goals for 2024" as cheesy as that is. I know I can't help it. And now that I have this beautiful, aka unfiltered and thereby anonymous platform, I'm going to give you some shit in the form of lessons that got me through not only the last year but really, the last 5 years.

A little break down of the last 5 years; the good, the bad and the ugly:

1. Started out 2019 already wearing a knee brace. I was applying for emergency services and during the physical requirement testing, I blew my knee in a million different places. My orthopedic surgeon said, "try to rehab and you will be ok!"

Narrator: she in fact was not ok...

2. Developed an extremely rare eye disease that was a unique case apparently. Nothing is worth doing if its not done right. This earned me bi-weekly trips to the hospital to see the eye specialist. With these endeavors, I subsequently was hospitalized for a full day waiting for the slew of neurologists to poke me in the back a few times before actually getting it right. Healed eventually but still have remnants of it in my cute little eyeballs.

3. Got my boobs done... YAY! And let me tell you those babies are fun.

4. Finally got surgery on my knee a mere 3 weeks after my boobs... that rehab was NOT as fun.

5. I quit a job that was my literal life for over a decade. I tried so hard to be what I felt they needed me to be and it wasn't even close to the authentic self that I truly was, so I left. Pretty convinced they didn't like me and really, by the end, I hated them and that is a strong word to use. Realistically, it's culty as fuck and most would know what I'm talking about just by that term alone. In other words, easiest choice of my life.

5. I spent Christmas with a side of the family that I hadn't in about 20 years, with the elephant in the room and all. While the reunion was beautiful in some ways, within the last 5 years I learned that an attempt to reconnect was not worth it. I learned that with them, nothing changed and energy wasted was precious in comparison to how they made me feel. I have always been the black sheep of that family as I have never followed into the typical prairie, white picket fence fashion like everyone else.

6. I had miscarriage. And this was a hard lesson. This truly showed me how low I felt of myself and willingly how much of myself I can give and I suffered those consequences alone. I also learned how society, specifically men are void of commitment, support and have selfish tendencies. I hadn't learned yet what the word "selfish" actually meant.

7. I got my dream job with more to come but it surely didn't come easy. This job has also allowed my trucker like speech (in which I should probably go to speech therapy for) to be accepted along with my weird smiles, awkward conversation and my witching hour online shopping, in which everyone has now joined along.

8. I went on two life changing, monumental trips. One that was one of the most important ones in the world but was distracted by a very unworthy human being. And the second, from just this year on a 19 day, 11 city and 5 country trip that was all mine. I felt free.

9. I was diagnosed with epilepsy and got my license taken away for 6 months. Freedom gone. Life long medication, activated. And I fought hard for that stability back.

10. And finally, I was connected to an extremely traumatic incident of domestic violence and learned that term as well as sexual assault with regards to MYSELF from experience and all from 1 insane human being. I fell in love with this person. Or I thought I did. And that love turned to fear which is now hate and has developed into disgust and loathe. I will never be able to look at men the same way again.

So with that very bleak break down of the last 5 years, here are the lessons.

10. Hard work will get you exactly what you want in life and that hard work will give you the life lessons to sustain it.

9. Kindness will never go out of style. As a matter of fact, being kind to others puts me in a better mood. Your bad day is no one's fault so be kind anyway. Here's something catchy: hate has the same amount of letters as love so choose love instead.

8. Judgement is dangerous and eventually can turn into a social weapon for someone else. Someone is always listening...

7. Your body tells you if things aren't right. My brain literally started telling me that I needed to disconnect from the life I was living. I was left with no other choice but to be disconnected from what I thought was what I was waiting for. I now realize it was an insidious disease-like wolf in sheep's clothing, that was slowly ate away at my sense of self. They set me free and now I am am grateful. Oddly enough, I have been seizure free for over a year and have been single for almost the same amount of time, coincidence?

6. Healing, whether body, mind, spirit or otherwise, is never a linear line upwards. Pain comes back, suffering is always dictated by you (feel it but don't sit there) and you creating your own happiness is what appears after everything else is peeled back.

5. Speaking of happiness: your happiness can not be dependent on someone else; your happiness does not exist in a superficial form; and as cliché as it is, you can't be happy with someone else unless you are happy on your own, and B. T. DUBS, that is also not code for "and then I'll meet the man of my dreams". Be the fucking man of your own dreams cause I can guarantee you that your dick is bigger than your pseudo husband you are waiting for. For me right now, I have big dick energy but am also at a point that I'm embracing my inner ogre under a bridge with a stick swatting away anything that makes me unhappy.

4. Speaking of stick swatting... let me introduce you to boundaries. I had not a clue how to set them or even what they were, but now? Listen carefully as I break it down: A) I will make time for things that I feel are important in my life; B) I have to be my first priority (and by the way, this shows up in a lot of ways) and C) If I can't be fully present for something I previously committed to, I have to be honest with myself and take the time to do what I need to do. And also, fuck dishes. They will be there tomorrow, I can guarantee it (exhibit A: the current state of my kitchen and I wish I cared).

3. Your reputation is your resume. Show up with consistency (or what is consistent for you) and that in itself is your resume. I am the same person to every single person in my life, professionally, personally, romantically (however, the ogre under the bridge is monitoring that closely so I don't do anything stupid) and most importantly, myself. I learned this year that the lack of consistency you show yourself is the biggest sacrifice you will ever make, especially when that inconsistency is because of an alternative variable, IE: insidious wolf in sheep's clothing called an ex-boyfriend turned devil incarnate.

2. Not only am I on uppers, downers, a brain Band-Aid and Polysporin for brain cells, but no matter how many times I google "nervous system regulation" I still have no fucking clue what it means. The only thing I have really learned is that crying is cool just like if you pee your pants (Billy Madison reference FYI). So if someone can explain this term further, I'm all ears.

1. And lastly, FIND YOUR FUCKING POKER FACE. There is no possibility that you will flip your lid, and if you're about to? Take a goddamn breath. There is no way for people to know what you are thinking. No one knows what you are working on in the background. And frankly, that same poker face will piss people off and they won't be able to explain why. Win and let other's be confused when you do. Lady Gaga wasn't wrong.

That's it for me... Yet another night shift and one in which I forgot another chick book to power through. This all may not make sense in the morning...